Or, how judgement gets in the way of exploration and understanding.

I hated school. In order for me to process information I need to digest it. I know that now, but as a child I felt like a rabbit in the headlights and when asked a question I could give no response or a defensive one that made no sense. I was too frightened to say that I didn’t understand but even if I had I would probably have got shouted at as it was okay in the fifties for teachers to take out their frustrations on pupils. Miss Boyd was particularly abusive and would consistently humiliate me in front of the class. I froze in fear when the headmistress Miss Buchanan came in. I knew she would pick on me and she did. A fearful introverted child proved to be a tempting dumping ground for the inadequate teaching skills of both those women. Miss Buchanan called me a “despicable brat” and threatened to have my scholarship removed. (I got a reprieve when she left to marry a barrister) My mother was very upset, but I accepted this treatment because I believed they were right, I was wrong, they were good, I was bad. I was different and an outsider. I was never bullied by the other pupils, they just left me alone. Because my learning style was absorbing the feel and energy of the subject I did well in exams when it was just me and the page with no interference. I was consistently top of the year in Art and English, but got no praise or validation. The more I was bullied by teachers the less I responded and the more introverted and frozen I became. I learnt that there were two ways of being, good and bad, they were the same as right and wrong. I was bad and wrong so it was up to me to survive as best I could, on my own.

When we give someone the label of bad or wrong, whether it is to do with things they do or don’t do, by making that accusation it stops us looking at our own part in the interaction and we’ve labelled ourselves as “good and right”. It is as if there is some great judge in the sky who decides that that person must be punished for being bad or wrong. I saw this a lot when counselling couples. For example: His temper outbursts, her drinking, his extravagance, her affair, whatever the coping mechanism is, it indicates that there is something much deeper going on in their lives that needs to be explored. It never helps to label someone right or wrong we need to ask , “What is it that we are not understanding?”

I no longer believe in the great judge in the sky or that I am bad or wrong, or good or right, but I am still introverted and can still freeze. Forty years later when I was doing my teacher training I experienced a “Freeze” again. I don’t know what the trigger was, but I zoned out. The lecturer was giving out notes to the students. She held them out to me and I just looked at her. She shook them to tell me to take them and still I didn’t respond. It was like being in a hypnotic trance when you know what is happening but are powerless to move. Eventually she threw them at me which brought me out of my trance as I had to pick them up. I’m not bad or wrong or sick or weird, I just zoned out. My learning now isn’t in self acceptance it is in trying to develop the extrovert side of my self where I can communicate and apologise if I fear my behaviour has offended before introverting and asking myself “what’s that all about?”

We’re starting the supervision course on the 13th of this month as long as I can get it together to learn Zoom. I’m sure my computer hates me!